I cried again today. Sometimes I’m mourning the babies that we don’t get to parent, sometimes I cry for the babies lost altogether, sometimes it's simply because I’m frustrated that there is so much out of our control. Today was different.
I cried because I felt guilty. God has made it abundantly clear by the gifts he keeps giving us that we will adopt again. He gifted us the funds for a second adoption through an anonymous donor and then when $16,000 of that money was lost, we were gifted it again through generosity in fundraising and a grant. We don’t have to wonder if we are doing the right thing but rather wait patiently and obediently for this continued adoption journey to unfold. The last few weeks it has felt so heavy and overwhelming. Deciding when to present our profile to an expectant mother and then anxiously awaiting her decision only to begin again and again and again. Our daughter, Siobhán, getting sick and worrying about whether or not she can travel if we are suddenly chosen. Our grant limiting us to applying only if a case is through a non-profit. So many unexpected events happening in our lives that will all impact another adoption. It has felt so destabilizing and that is where the guilt came in.
Experiencing Siobhán’s adoption journey and having the privilege to be her parents every day has been such a miracle and endless blessing. The daily support we receive every day from our incredible community of family and friends is overwhelming and humbling. The level of sadness and brokenness we have witnessed through viewing so many cases has left us counting every blessing we have and praying for every individual we encounter on this journey. All of this has made it feel like there is no room to be sad or upset as we wait because we are surrounded by so much joy. And yet, as my sister reminded me today, that’s just not true. And it's so important to hold onto truth.
So, how do we prepare for something when we have no idea what we are preparing for? That’s been my biggest question and what I’ve been pondering most lately. Here’s some conclusions I’ve come to…
We do the best we can and we don’t do it alone.
We recognize we can’t prepare...so when we pray, “Jesus, please give us what is best for us,” we have to actually mean it and believe it.
We work on random things we do have control over, like organizing our pantry, art supplies, and endless teaching materials, (I’ve been meaning to get to for years,) baking bread, making meals for friends, spending time with loved ones. Yes, I know, I’m nesting.
Every person is different, but for me, it is physically impossible for me not to feel a connection to every person in every adoption case we encounter. So my hope is that our prayers and small interactions make some sort of difference in their individual lives.
We are learning that every season is special for a reason, even if we can’t see it in that moment, so we are trying daily to make the most of this time because my biggest fear is that we will worry the time away until it's gone. Family game time after dinner has become one of our favorite parts of the day and playing music together is always a favorite as well.
We are so incredibly blessed each and every day.
We are so thankful for Siobhán.
Adoption is hard.
So hard.
It’s an invisible pregnancy with no timeline or due date.
We appreciate every prayer and know God hears them. Please continue to pray as we journey in faith. Our priest likes to remind us…faith is knowing you are loved.